Image taken from Jezebel article. People demonstrating at an anti-porn protest, London, UK, 15th March 1979. (Getty)
Happy New Year! This is the weekly Lust News Roundup: breaking porn and Lust-related news all in one place. Here I will include news about sex-tech, sex-politics, feminism, and other developments in the industry.
There have been more efforts to censor porn, this week by some conservative college men campaigning to ban porn from campus WiFi [Jezebel]
Podcast of the Week:
Start your year right by listening to The Ersties Podcast! Hosted by four wonderful women in Berlin, you’ll feel like you’re listening in on a group of friends talking all things sex, relationships and porn. Each episode has a new topic, from BDSM and paying to your porn, to sexual healing and sex myths. You’ll want to listen to them all! [The Ersties Podcast]
Tweet of the Week:
Stormy Daniels’ Twitter replies never disappoint…
And yet, here you are following me…which is the EXACT definition of giving a fuck where someone is. Thanks for tweeting to me (giving me attention) and proving just how correct my statement is. Hahaha! https://t.co/GIK9r1ENEC
First of all I want to wish you all a Happy New Year. I hope you enjoyed your holidays!
For those of you, who added “trying something new” or “getting out of your comfort zone” to their resolutions list for this year, or if you simply want to spice up your sex life: This week’s guide is about how to (successfully) have sex in the wild and why everyone should try it at least once!
After some time with the same partner it can seem hard to find exciting new things to try, especially when life is busy. Every week I get confessions which reveal that a lot of you fantasises about exploring outside the box and in sexual unknown territory (literally). That’s why I decided to give you some tips this week and talk with you about how a small geographical change to the usual environment can make all the difference. According to a study, conducted in Quebec, over 80% of Canadian residents fantasise about having sex in an unusual place (The Journal of Sexual Medicine).
So why not give it a shot?
As the temperature is getting lower and lower (at least in most parts of Europe), sex in the open might sound a lot more appealing in theory than actually doing it. But nonetheless, I dare you to escape into the wild (or your closest piece of nature, for all of you metropolitans) and get intimate. The sense of freedom you get in nature combined with a rush of adrenaline, because theoretically you could get caught at any minute, makes sexual outdoor experiences so special.
So let’s take our cravings seriously and start exploring…
1. Where to go?
There are endless opportunities and outdoor spots, so I don’t want to limit your imagination by telling you where to go exactly. I’d much rather like to show you some examples.
If you want to be on the safe side – because, let’s face it, being in the open leaves a lot of room for getting exposed and I don’t want you to have negative encounters or getting fined the first time – having sex in a parked car in nature can be a good point to start. Everything that is not your home counts as outdoor
Being inside a tent can be the perfect place for your naughty encounters with the wild as well, since it still lets you experience a broad range of nature – like hearing outdoor sounds (and adding your own), feeling the wind shake up your tent, while having enough privacy and assurance of not getting caught nude in the open. In the night a bonfire can add the extra romantic touch and you don’t have to worry about the cold anymore.
For the more venturous ones of you, there are a million opportunities from scenic mountain tracks, hidden lakes, beaches or simply in the water. If you don’t have access to mountains or the sea, big forests and parks can be great as well! I know, in big cities it is a little bit harder to find these secret hidden spots to live out your fantasy, but sometimes going a bit out of the city by train or car can already give you the wilderness feeling.
2. How to do it?
Don’t worry if your sexual outdoor fantasy does not include being covered in dirt from head to toe or having grass stains all over your clothes.
I’ve got you covered with some positions that don’t require scraped knees and backs. I have filmed many outdoor sex scenes throughout my career so all pictures in this post are taken from one of the movies from the XConfessions series.I have talked with many performers about how to make shooting sex outside as pleasurable as possible. Let me share some pornographer wisdom with you!
This first one is probably the easiest position of all. If you don’t want to get exposed too much by getting full body naked. The only thing you need is something to hold on to, really anything can be suitable: a car, trees, rocks or… a plane as the stunning Luke Hotrod and Carolina Abril are demonstrating in the picture below.
I would recommend coming prepared: a big towel or picnic blanket is a must on sand beaches and rough forest grounds and will make it much more comfortable for both of you. Julia Roca and Bel Gris are surely enjoying their little beach getaway in ‘El Chico de la Playa Nudista‘
This position gets a lot easier if you have some branches or rocks to hold on to. Do it like Clarke Kent and Samia Duarte In Rush of the Forbidden and have a secret rendezvous in a forest!
I don’t think there’s a lot to explain about this one But Cintia Shapiro and Romeo prove that it doesn’t take much to have some good old-fashioned al fresco fun!
The almost-Ballerina position is one of the easier ones and you don’t need any equipment. Wearing a skirt or dress makes it even simpler and might give you that sense of security you need to enjoy yourself, knowing that you can cover yourself up quickly if it needs be.
3. Staying safe and being respectful to your surroundings
During and after your escape into the wild for some outdoor lust and passion, please take care to be safe and also respectful to nature and your surroundings.
This includes watching out for dangerous or hurtful plants that should better not come in contact with your genitals and maybe also having an eye on animals (depending on the country you are in).
And lastly, as an environmentally friendly person you probably already know that you should not leave your condoms (and other waste) after the fun Only jerks litter!
4. Not getting caught
When choosing the place, try not to do anything illegal!
The last thing I want for you is to get arrested in the middle of the fun. In some countries you can actually end up in prison for getting caught outdoors.
However, the thrill of doing something you are actually not supposed to be doing and maybe getting caught can reinforce sexual excitement and the pleasure you get from it might be worth the danger.
5. Go for it!
So what are you waiting for?
Why don’t you spend the next Sunday on a little hike in the mountains, or drive out of the city with your partner and see where it goes? And afterwards please don’t forget to confess and inspire us on https://xconfessions.com/confess!
If you now still need more visual inspiration I recommend checking out the Outdoor Sex compilation in my Store!
If you have any questions or if there is a certain topic you would like to read about next, message me or leave a comment!
Lots of love,
Erika
The XConfessions App
I know that many people struggle to speak openly about their sexual desires with their partner so I created this app to help those who might feel shy voicing their fantasies. Or maybe you feel totally comfortable speaking about your fantasies, but you’re ready to discover some new kinks that you might not have thought about yet. The XConfessions App can be used for those couples who want to discover some new kinksand spice things up in their sex life.
The new sensation by Sweetheart Video and Ricky Greenwood has landed on LustCinema! In this sports drama, the women of an LA roller derby team are hell on wheels – and heaven off of them. Watch superstars Stoya, Joanna Angel, Elsa Jean, Gia Paige and their mates compete for love, lust and success in one of the hottest all-girls features of the year.
Talk Derby to me has a fun and smart narrative that will suck you right into the turbulent world of Allison, Suzy and their ambitious team. For years, Allison Decker (Joanna Angel) and Suzy Weston (Stoya) were known as the infernal duo BRUISER & CRUSHER, ruling the roller derby world together. Until one day their relationship came to a sudden end because Suzy suffered an injury during a game resulting in Allison escaping to New York. Years later, Suzy is the coach of the Los Angeles Pussy Posse when suddenly Allison reappears in La. Follow the private lives, dramas, and quirky personalities of the ladies of the Los Angeles Pussy Posse as they battle jealousy, competition and their need for action on and off the track.
The entire experience of being on set felt like one big lesbian slumber party! – Joanna Angel on AVN
Directors love working with her, her colleagues adore and her fans worship her – Meet Stoya
Rarely any adult movie star has reached a level of prominence like Stoya. Stoya has been in the industry for over 10 years and is also known for her work as a writer, activist and actress in non-explicit films. She is very selective when it comes to the adult movie work she does nowadays and turns down many offers. Director Ricky Greenwood must have been thrilled when she accepted his offer.
Cyntoia Brown from Vox article. Lacy Atkins / The Tennessean via AP
This is the weekly Lust News Roundup: breaking porn and Lust-related news all in one place. Here I will include news about sex-tech, sex-politics, feminism, and other developments in the industry.
I couldn’t choose just one Tweet this week so here are two of my favourites…
Face slapping should not be considered a standard thing in porn. Neither should spitting choking or even spanking. I LOVE to get choked but i also wouldn’t want someone to choke me without CHECKING first that I’m okay with it and how i like it!!
US porn is more corporate than ever, sad to say. Most female directors are being dictated to by men in the real power positions, their orders driven by algorithms and search engine data.
— The People's Pornographer (@NicaNoelleASMR) January 9, 2019
Kim Cavill is making a Six Minute Sex Ed podcast for families to listen to together! Each six minute episode covers a different subject and ends with conversation starters to help families speak about sex and relationships together. The podcast is free but if you sign up as a patreon to support Kim’s work you will get one free half an hour coaching session with her via web stream each year.
This Week’s Lust News:
New Release: Talk Derby To Me with Stoya on Lust Cinema [Erika Lust Films]
As a filmmaker and cinema geek, I am a huge fan of Italian erotic movies from the 70s and 80s, and I am especially passionate about Tinto Brass’ cinematographic work. I love the voluptuous atmosphere of the stories set in an Italian landscape that is extremely difficult to find nowadays.
Even though his work is controversial from a feminist perspective, I have always been fascinated by Brass’ female characters, such as the protagonist of ‘Paprika’ which is the story of a sex worker in postbellum Italy. But there is something about movies like this that disturbs me. I don’t like the way they portray sex work. In ‘Paprika’, the protagonist chooses to become a sex worker to help her fiancé with his business, even though she eventually finds ‘redemption’ in true love. I find that empowering aspect of sex work very erotic, and I think many other people do, too.
But I think it is problematic that these directors depicted sex workers as damaged goods, or bored rich girls who enter this work out of boredom, trying to escape their life or because of some untreated childhood trauma. The women I see behind all the stereotypes and stigmas in movies like this are not bored. Their life is not trivial, and their desire to transgress has the taste of cool ice cream on a summers day.
This is why when I read ‘La fantasia di Beba’ written by Agnese Trocchi, I found the perfect story and character to challenge the way these old, white, male directors of the 70s and 80s portrayed sex workers. Beba is not a broken little thing just waiting to be saved. She consciously taps into all of their stupid stereotypes. She wears the red shoes, the short skirt and the lipstick but she swaps the roles and subverts the expected narrative of a sex worker who is always either stigmatised or victimised for her choices. She is aware of dealing with a potentially dangerous experience, but she turns it around in her favour.
Director Lidia Ravviso fiercely takes on stereotypes and re-writes the narrative of sex workers in romantic Italian movies of the 70s and 80s
Lidia Ravviso (left) on set with Magena Yama
Beba’s fantasy is a story that focuses on a common erotic fantasy: being paid for sex. Many Italian romantic movies of the 70s and 80s have a female sex worker as the protagonist of the story. For example, Luis Bunuel’s film, ” La belle de ‘jour’. But unlike Severine, the protagonist of the movie, a bourgeois woman who works in an exclusive brothel, Beba has no boredom to escape, no trauma to exorcise. She just acts on her desires, joyously, without guilt. Severine, even if dressed in Yves Saint Laurent, certainly does not seem “empowered” by her choice. She struggles to find even a glimmer of happiness, and Bunuel’s aim is to unveil the hypocrisy of a sophisticated world, in which respectable married men see sex workers, but no one admits to it.
Unlike the directors of movies such as la belle de jour, Lidia Ravviso is trying to show that if you put a sex worker in your movie, you have to let go of cliches and stereotypes and represent them well. Beba (Magena Yama) isn’t bored. Her life is not trivial, and her desire to transgress has the taste of a cool ice cream on a summer day. Beba is curious, irreverent; she puts into practice her own fantasy, “wearing it” by wearing her red shoes. She knows what she is doing and she has complete control over her actions and she can’t be manipulated by the male character in La Fantasia die Beba, impersonated by Eros Braciola, who is a very stereotypical pimp who thinks he can trick Beba into sleeping with him for free.
‘Beba’s fantasy’ is a story originally written by Agnese Trocchi. Aesthetical researcher, writer, network artist, videomaker, she has been active in the field of telematics and information technology since 1995. Since then, she has been conspiring with similar creatures to dissolve the curtain that hides the real. The story has a stark atmosphere and empowers the ‘unspeakable’ desire of Beba by adding a strong dose of reality to the dialogues.
In the background, there is Ostia, a few kilometres from Rome. Real and wild, like its winter sea. Like the one narrated by Pierpaolo Pasolini in the 70s (also regrettably the place where he was murdered) and by Claudio Calligari, with his two cult movies ‘Amore Tossico’ (1983) and ‘Non essere cattivo’ (2015). Beba eating ice cream at the end of her adventure is a tribute to Calligari.
Watch the full interview with Lidia Ravviso and exclusive behind the scenes footage below:
In XConfessions, people from all over the world share their sexual stories and fantasies. Every month I pick two and turn them into cinematic short films. Still not a member of XConfessions? Register now! Or share your sexual fantasy, and it might become a short film
Welcome to a new series of articles by guest writers on the Erika Lust blog.
Over the past 5 years I hope to have added value to your life and sexuality through the medium of pornography on XConfessions. Now I want to help contribute towards a bigger change by inviting experts to share their knowledge and opinions on various topics across sexuality, sex, porn, fetish and kink, women’s sexual health, relationships, human rights, female pleasure and more!
For the release of La Fantasia di Beba, a film that challenges the way sex workers were portrayed on screen in the 70s & 80s, I reached out to Isa Mazzei, screenwriter and co-creator of Cam, one of the top Netflix movies from 2018. I thought she was the perfect person to write about the narratives assigned to sex workers and she decided to write this essay on ‘The Do’s and Don’ts of Sex Worker Representation in Cinema’.
Isa Mazzei is a writer from Colorado. She graduated from UC Berkeley in 2013 where she majored In Comparative Literature, specializing in Italian and Russian Futurism and the Avant-Garde. She was Editor-in-Chief at multiple literary journals, and went on to have a career in web development before diving into the adult industry as a camgirl. She is the co-creator and writer of Blumhouse’s Cam on Netflix. Her forthcoming memoir, CAMGIRL will be published November 2019. She can be found at @isaiswrong on Twitter and Instagram.
Published on Saturday 19 January 2019
Let’s be real. A lot of people want a sex worker in their film. It makes your movie feel edgy and cool. Risky. Sex workers are interesting because while they are everywhere in our society, we prefer to ignore them, relegate them to the margins, and speak about them in whispers. But you’re a filmmaker. You don’t listen to taboo. You’re not afraid to go there.
Or are you? Because if you put a sex worker in your movie and do a poor job representing them, all you’re doing is making their livelihood more dangerous while waltzing directly into cliché. You’re not being edgy, you’re not being risky, and you’re definitely not cool. When we make the interesting things about sex work the same things that kill sex workers, we only encourage a system that perpetuates violence, shame and stigmatization.
So let’s do better. Here’s some easy rules to follow when representing any type of sex worker in any type of media.
Don’t derive stakes from your character’s decision to do sex work. Not only does this pander to the expected morality tale of the sweet, pure, innocent being corrupted by big, bad sex, it’s also boring. We’ve seen this story a million times. We’re past it. Audiences are past it. Sex isn’t bad. Sex work isn’t bad. Find your stakes elsewhere. Your sex worker protagonist can do literally anything in the world. Don’t punish your character for their personal or professional sexual choices.
Do hire a crew that shares your vision. It’s imperative that you constantly question framing/shots/lighting/gaze. Make sure every single person on your crew is on board with engaging in dialog about how to keep your project authentic and respectful. How are you shooting your sex worker character? How are you lighting them? Are you framing their breasts without their face? Don’t force them to sexualize themselves in situations where they wouldn’t perform sexuality. What about nudity? Forcing actors to be naked when they don’t want to be is not only unethical, it also shows. When an actor feels uncomfortable, they look uncomfortable. Make sure the nudity is coming from a place of character, not from a place of wanting to make your film “sexy” or “flashy.” Gratuitous nudity and objectification isn’t edgy, it makes for reductive, simplistic films.
Don’t rely on stereotypes. This one is pretty self explanatory. The stripper with the heart of gold? Nope. The single-mother call-girl who only works to pay for her son’s tuition? Nope. The disposable sex worker whose death is a simple plot point to bring us to the real victim (usually a sweet, chaste innocent)? Nope. The sex worker who gets gruesomely murdered by a client? Nope—this only normalizes violence against sex workers and paints them as victims that need saving. Don’t save your sex worker from sex work. Don’t use your sex worker as an object to be killed off or as the butt of a joke. Find something new, and honest, and real. Sex workers are human. Many of them have families and spouses that are supportive of their careers. Just like you wouldn’t write a chef and just imbue him with all the characteristics of Chef Boyardee, don’t do the same to your sex workers. A sex worker’s entire identity isn’t just sex work. What else makes your character your character?
Don’t save your sex worker from sex work. Do listen to actual sex workers. Everyone likes to refer to their “one friend that stripped that one time” or their “crazy night at Sapphire Club Las Vegas” and use that to justify their portrayal of sex workers. That’s like saying I know an uber driver so I’m qualified to write about NASCAR. If you want a film that feels authentic and respectful of sex workers, you need to be authentic and respectful of sex workers. Hire sex workers that work in the world that your movie takes place to help you with your project. Ask them questions, and listen to their answers. They know better than you. Trust them. Also, pay them. Just like you would any other professional you’re hiring to consult on your project. Don’t exoticize, glamorize, or victimize. Sex work isn’t easy. And it’s harmful to portray it as an industry where simply taking off your top will make it rain. If you’re making a character a sex worker to glamorize them, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re making a character a sex worker to make them exotic, you’re doing it wrong. Sure, parts of sex work can be glamorous and exotic, but for the most part, sex work is work. It’s a job. Make sure the job-y parts of sex work are included in your movie. If your sex worker is a survivor or has a substance abuse problem, make sure you understand the interaction between those life experiences and their job. One does not necessarily beget the other. One does not necessarily negate agency in the other. No one type of sex work is inherently better or more respectable than another. All sex workers deserve respect, from the person selling $900 photos of their feet online to the person standing on a street corner trading sex for survival.
No one type of sex work is inherently better or more respectable than another. Do humanize clients! Consumers of sex work are pretty much anyone—yourself included. Judging or painting sex worker clients as “creeps” is also cliché and inaccurate. Most adults consume sex work in some form or another, from porn to strip clubs to those .gifs on Reddit you check on your phone while standing in line at the airport. If you need a client as an antagonist for your story, make sure they’re the antagonist because they does something actually wrong, ie, crossing a sex worker’s boundaries. Clients should not inherently be bad characters just because they consume sex work. Portray respectful clients, who listen to boundaries and pay up-front. This is the behavior we need to be normalizing.
Don’t yuck anyone’s yum. Kinks, fetishes, the way you might get slightly turned on when you floss your teeth too hard––everyone gets turned on by different things. And, as long as you have consent and are not harming anyone, all turn-ons are totally valid and okay! If your sex worker engages in kink/fetish play, or if their clients do, respect that. Don’t use kink and fetish as a way to shame, judge, or signal to an audience that a character is “bad”, “weird” or “creepy.” And, as usual, ask questions of people who engage in that kink. And listen. You’re going to learn something.
Clients should not inherently be bad characters just because they consume sex work.
Do pay attention to how your project is marketed and spoken about in the press. Because we live in a world that stigmatizes sex work, many journalists, marketing heads and that-one-guy- with-the-loud-opinions at your production company are all going to want to portray your sex worker character in problematic ways. Your job isn’t done when the movie is. Make sure that everything, from the posters to the headlines to the film festival blurbs are vetted. Make sure they treat your character with respect and dignity. Call out inappropriate questions and correct journalists seeking out sleaze or stigma for clicks. Make sure they aren’t using slurs or offensive terminology. It’s 2019. We are better than this.
Your job isn’t done when the movie is.
Sex workers run their own businesses, creating intimate, complex brands that wield everything from social media marketing to promotional photography to networking at events. Sex workers are entrepreneurs, and struggle against terrible discriminatory laws and banking practices. Sex workers have always been on the cutting edge of society. Want to know where technology is headed? Look at porn, which predicted both the film industry’s shift to VHS and its move to streaming video. It’s time that media representation of sex work become equally as cutting edge––that it does justice to the achievement, sacrifice, and passion that sex workers exhibit every day of their lives. It’s not that hard. And the best part is it makes for a great story that feels fresh, real, and interesting.
If you haven’t watched Cam yet I highly recommend it! It offers an honest depiction of sex work and introduces audiences to the world of camming. Alice, played by Madeline Brewer (The Handmaid’s Tale), represents the passionate drive of the women making their living through online sex work.
On XConfessions, people from all over the world share their sexual stories and fantasies. Every month I pick two and turn them into cinematic short films. Still not a member of XConfessions? Register now! Or share your sexual fantasy, and it might become a short film
This is the weekly Lust News Roundup: breaking porn and Lust-related news all in one place. Here I will include news about sex-tech, sex-politics, feminism, and other developments in the industry.
Check out the TBD podcast from Women in the World! Of course my favourite episode is the first one – an interview with Jill Soloway. [Women in the World]
Tweet of the Week:
Finally, after an 18 month battle, Gina Martin made upskirting illegal in the UK.
18ontha ago I decided I wasn't going to ignore sexual assault.
Most of us know that masturbating can be a really fun way to spend your time (not to mention all of the health benefits), but it’s a topic that parents often find hard discussing with their children. Why is Children’s Masturbation Such a Secret? [The New York Times]
This week’s guide: Sex Toys! And how to introduce them into your relationship
The demand for sex toys has never been higher. Toys are more popular than ever and new companies and products have emerged on the market, revolutionising the sex tech industry. While that may be the case and while it has been more and more normalised to incorporate toys into our self care routines, I think it is very common that many feel a bit awkward about asking their partners about introducing sex toys into the relationship. The fear of making your partner feel uncomfortable by suggesting to get sex toys can get in the way of communication and further exploration into your sex life. Don’t let it!
Almost 50 percent of people are using sex toys to spice up their sex lives (We-Vibe). Asking to try out sex toys, doesn’t mean indicating that you or your partner are unsatisfied with your current sex life, but it brings more orgasms and new sensations to the relationship – on both sides! Toys are communication starters and can open up a whole new world of pleasure for couples. Couples can learn how to communicate their desires better, direct their partners to reach climax, and even discover erogenous zones they never knew existed.
If sex toys are uncharted territory for you and your partner, this guide is what you’ve been waiting for. I’m going to guide you through starting the conversation, buying the right toy for you, using it for the first time, taking care of it after and all the little steps in between.
If you are interested in introducing sex toys into your relationship, but aren’t sure if your partner feels the same, don’t stress out too much about it and just ask. It is much more likely than you might think that he or she will feel the same. Make sure you tell them, that you don’t want to try out sex toys just because you are unhappy with your current sex life, but to enhance and spice up what you’ve got. Explain that this is meant to be a cool new experience for both of you and be sensitive. You don’t want to pressure anyone into doing something they’re not entirely comfortable with.
This doesn’t have to be a super serious, real talk kind of situation. Keep it light! If you’re more the practical type, you could try “accidentally” leaving your favourite toy out one night. That way you can either leave it up to your partner to start asking questions, or you can propose to show them how to use it on you
2. How do I choose the right toy for me and my partner?
First of all, enjoy this part of the process! You can learn so much about your partner’s desires and preferences by choosing a sex toy together. Embrace this opportunity to get to know each other even more and don’t be ashamed to ask questions and explore.
There are many toys that are specifically designed and created for couples to use together, like for example the famous We-Vibe Classic, which is connected to an app and can be used to get your partner off no matter where they are. There are Power Vibrating Cockrings or more kinky stuff like the Wartenberg Wheel. The possibilities are almost endless and can seem a bit overwhelming at first. It is important that you talk about what turns you on first. Are you looking for additional clitoral stimulation during sex? Are you turned on by giving up control or taking it? Or maybe you would like to explore the world of erotic pain? No kink or fetish is wrong or weird. You just have to make sure you and your partner understand what the respectable other is trying to explore and see if both sides are comfortable with the idea.
Also keep in mind that sex toys are often pricey. Maybe starting out with something a little less expensive is a smart way to avoid disappointment, but you also shouldn’t just get the cheapest option you can find without looking into it first. Make sure you buy quality materials that are not harmful in any way. If you buy a silicone toy, it should be medical grade silicone.Read customer reviews and check the details, like how big is it (it might be smart to start with a normal-sized toy instead of something too intimidating), does it run on batteries or not, what’s the material and is it very stiff or flexible, which lubricant do you need, is the toy water proof and so on.
If you don’t have one at home, I always recommend getting a good old vibrator as a starter for your future collection of sex toys! You can use it together or alone and it is great to get more clitoral stimulation during sex, and a lot of men enjoy some extra vibration down there, too! It is also great to show your partner where to touch you and how and to give him a better understanding of your anatomy and erogenous zones.
If your first try at purchasing a sex toy goes wrong, get back out there and try again. If one sex toy doesn’t do it for you, don’t be discouraged. It happens. You can use that experience to rule out other sex toys and make a better choice next time by choosing a different material, different size etc. Testing several different toys is the best way to find what works.
Go over to my Erika Lust Store and have a look at our collection of toys. We have an extra section for sex toys for couples you can check out first. If you don’t like online shopping, you can also google the nearest physical sex shop in town and get some professional help. Sex shops often have examples to look at and touch if you don’t feel comfortable buying something on the internet that you’ve never physically felt before.
You made it to the grand finale! You’ve successfully bought a new sex toy and it’s time to put it to use!
First of all, get familiar with your toy so that you can experiment with the power options and different settings. You can use it for foreplay by first trying it out on different parts of your body before you aim for the touch down. It’s important to get turned on! Just because you’re trying a sex toy, doesn’t mean that everything else is off the table. It’s important that you are actually in the right mood to enjoy your sex toy together.
Start slow and use lube if you feel like it is needed. Make sure you chose the right lube for your toy. You can chose between, Silicone-based lubes, water based lubes and oil based lubes. The ingredients of oil-based lubricants and silicone based lubes may cause damage to some types of sex toys, so I would recommend going with a water based one.
If you want to share a toy, please be aware that sex toys can also transmit certain STDs. You can always put a condom on your sex toys to protect yourself.
If your first experience is not what you expected – be vocal about it! It’s perfectly fine to try something new only to decide that it isn’t for you. You can only win here. Letting sex toys and along with them more conversation into your bedroom, you’ll evolve sexually and you’ll only deepen your relationship and understanding of each others needs.
And last but not least, don’t forget the after care!Cleaning your sex toy and storing it right is an absolute must. Each toy has a unique way to be cleaned and stored. You should find out about special care instructions when purchasing your toy and take the time to read the manual that comes with it. Sex toys should be kept in cool and dark places and make sure they are absolutely dry before you put them away. If you have several toys, make sure they are not in direct contact with each other. Sometimes the materials can cause damage to each other. That’s why most sex toys come with a silk or cotton storage bag designed specifically for this purpose. In case your toy runs on batteries, take them out after you are done. Batteries can corrode, ruining your toy.
If you want to learn more about how to introduce sex toys into your relationship, here is a great tutorial video by Lovehoney! Check it out.
The XConfessions App
I know that many people struggle to speak openly about their sexual desires with their partner so I created this app to help those who might feel shy voicing their fantasies. Or maybe you feel totally comfortable speaking about your fantasies, but you’re ready to discover some new kinks that you might not have thought about yet. The XConfessions App can be used for those couples who want to discover some new kinksand spice things up in their sex life.
Taken from NY Times: Elianna Schiffrik, center, was among a small group of counter-protesters outside the Supreme Court during the March for Life on Friday. Credit: Damon Winter/The New York Times
This is the weekly Lust News Roundup: breaking porn and Lust-related news all in one place. Here I will include news about sex-tech, sex-politics, feminism, and other developments in the industry.
Monday 21 January – Sunday 27 January
News Roundup:
This week marked the 46th anniversary of the 1973 Roe v. Wade US Supreme Court decision that paved the way for abortion rights, but now anti-abortion legislation is being pushed and Roe v. Wade is at Risk. Here’s How to Prepare. [New York Times]
Check out the responses on this tweet for a great thread on the myths surrounding Kink/BDSM.
#journorequest: Kinky people – what myths/tropes about kink/BDSM do not hold true in your relationships? e.g. "myth: one of you is 'sub' and the other 'dom' – in my relationship we regularly switch"
Warm, wet water. Her hand on my clit. That flip in your stomach when you get something you never even knew you wanted.
It’s summer, the days are long, and my best friend Kay and I are waiting for something to happen to us. Anything. We live in the countryside surrounded by nothing, so Kay offers to teach me how to ride. I say yes because I always say yes to her. I’ve always been a little in awe of Kay. She’s cold in a way that makes me work for her affection.
One day, after the lesson, I’m lying in the bath and I tell Kay I hurt from the saddle. So quickly I wonder if I’ve actually imagined it, she reaches under the water and runs her hand along my thigh to brush my clit. That one touch in the secret underwater world changes things between us forever. Alone, I try to stop myself from masturbating about her. But I can’t stop.
An intimate coming of age story about the eroticism in friendship and the sometimes underlying sexual dynamics that we are not allowed to address between friends
The Riding Lesson is a very intimate story about two friends, impersonated by first time performers Maisy and Em, who are falling in love. Kay teaches Anya how to ride horses over the summer in a small town. Anya and Kay’s is the kind of close friendship that is something more than just friendly affection. The girls are 18 and Kay is the more dominant friend; she’s the kind of person who makes you work for her affection, and her coldness is magnetic. Anya is naive and affectionate. They’ve grown up in the Sussex countryside together, and Anya is very much in Kay’s thrall.
Anya is the quiet type. She’s very emotional and sensitive and feels things very strongly. She is also very young and innocent and she doesn’t really know what to do with her feelings and desires.
One day, after they come back from one of their riding lessons, Kay joins Anya in the bathroom and begins to pleasure her in the bath. Something has shifted between the two girls. They don’t talk about what happened in the bath again but Anya can’t stop thinking about her friend in a sexual way.
The Riding Lesson sheds light on such a universal story that happens in your teens that hasn’t been spoken about much before. As teenagers, girls often don’t talk a lot about their sexuality, especially when they realise that their desires are outside of the heteronormative coming of age stories fed to us by the media.
It is so beautiful and intimate to watch Anya and Kay explore their sexuality and finding the eroticism in their friendship.
Watch the trailer below:
Ellen Pearson & Kitty Drake explore the politics of desire
Writer and editor Kitty Drake and director Ellen Pearson explore sexual awakenings and the politics of desire in The Riding Lesson. Their inspiration for this film was a passage from Anais Nin’s story ‘A Model’, but they’ve developed it to centre around the power dynamics of female friendship. They wanted to make a story about the complexity of the interaction and dynamics between two women that encourages girls to be free to be whoever they want to be. They’re mission was to create an intimate explicit movie for young girls who are exploring their sexuality and finding their identities.
The two artists took the XConfessions motto very seriously: They created the porn they would have wanted to see when they were teenagers. A lot of the story comes from their own experiences, situations that happened in their teenage years, and it shows in authenticity and intimacy delivered through the narrative.
In this story, as in life, it’s the tiny coded instances of touch and connection that are most erotically charged: a shared look; a hand reaching out to brush yours. Ellen and Kitty want to show how these moments can change the energy between two people. They can change a lifetime. They can wake you up when you never even knew you were asleep.
In XConfessions, people from all over the world share their sexual stories and fantasies. Every month I pick two and turn them into cinematic short films. Still not a member of XConfessions? Register now! Or share your sexual fantasy, and it might become a short film
Illustration by Koren Shadmi. From the Engadget article.
This is the weekly Lust News Roundup: breaking porn and Lust-related news all in one place. Here I will include news about sex-tech, sex-politics, feminism, and other developments in the industry.
Research has found that fraternities are embracing a more inclusive form of masculinity based on equality for gay men, respect for women, racial parity and emotional intelligence: A Frat Boy and a Gentleman [The New York Times]
Alix Fox & Riyadh Khalaf’s hilarious podcast Unexpected Fluids is well worth a listen. The perfect safe space for your stories of when sex goes a bit awry. They are taking a little break at the moment until March but there are lots of episodes to catch up on while you’re waiting! [BBC Radio 1]
It’s the week of the butt! My topic today, based on a card from the XConfessions App, is Rimming also known as anilingus. Rimming is the act of performing oral sex on the anal rim of another person. Rimming can be a very, very pleasurable experience for everyone regardless of gender and there is absolutely nothing gross, abnormal or harmful about it, if you do it right! We hold so much shame about our bodies and especially our butts, but there is absolutely no reason to. Love your butt and let others love it, too. Getting to that special place with someone can be an amazing and intense experience.
This week we’re going to learn how to perform and how to receive pleasurable, safe and fun anilingus!
Lust Anatomy – Why does rimming feel so good and what do we need to know about the anus?
‘His Was First in My Ass’ – available on XConfessions
Anilingus feels good for the same reason that anal sex and anal play in general feels arousing. There’s a lot of nerves around your anus which make it a highly sensitive area of the body. Stimulating the anus has relaxing and sometimes even orgasmic effects. But it is important to know that rimming and anal sex can’t be treated like vaginal intercourse. There are certain differences in anatomy that are important to know in order to understand anal pleasure.
There are two rings of muscles near the entrance. The outer ring of muscles can be controlled, so you can tense and relax these muscles as you please. The inner ring is involuntary, which means it can’t be controlled. Instead, you need to be fully relaxed for these muscles to accept penetration without experiencing pain. Taking time for foreplay and relaxation is everything when it comes to anal play!
The rectum is the area inside the anus. It does not produce its own lubrication in response to sexual stimulation (!!!!!), so it’s important to use plenty of lubricant for pleasurable anal play.
Picture taken from Scarleteen
Rimming is also great for its psychological effects of creating a deep connection with a partner by breaking into this ‘taboo’ of sexual acts and trusting someone with this specific area of the body. It can be about giving up control or signalising your partner that you love absolutely everything about them, even the parts they might not entirely love themselves. If you enjoy this aspect of a rim job – play with it!
Preparations and practicing safe sex
‘His Was First in My Ass’ – Available in XConfessions
Just like with any other sexual act, hygiene and safety are the top priority! If you are planning on trying rimming with somebody you are not in a longterm, monogamous relationship with, make sure that both of you get tested regularly for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and infections(STIs). If you are sexually active, regular health checks should be part of your self care routine anyways.
Based on my research, I found that a lot of you are wondering if you can get infected with HIV through rimming. Rimming is considered a “negligible-risk activity for HIV transmission“, which means that theoretically you could be infected if you come in contact with blood in the rectum or by the tongue but the risk is minimal. A great tool to protect yourself from bacteria and diseases that more people should know about are so called Dental Dams. Dental Dams are thin latex sheets that are used between the mouth and vagina or anus during oral sex, so it’s basically the same as a condom. The dental dam is placed flat on top of the vagina or anus to prevent direct, skin-on-skin contact. Use a water-based lubricant between the dental dam and the skin to prevent irritation.You can also apply some lube on top of the dam if you like the taste and smell! Never use the same dental dam twice!! I often hear, especially from women, that their partners find the use of preventive tools such as dental dams or condoms unerotic and irritating. Please don’t let anyone pressure you into unsafe sex. If your sex partner doesn’t care enough about your health and well-being to use preventive methods to protect you and themselves, maybe you shouldn’t have sex with them. It’s always a great idea to take a nice, hot shower together before exploring anilingus. This way both parts can make sure their partner is as clean as they need to be for this experience. If showering is not enough to make you feel comfortable, the receiving part, the rimmee, can also use an enema (an anal douche) beforehand. Using an enema is really just a personal preference though, not an absolute necessity. Many people like it, because it makes them feel more comfortable as it releases the worry of putting your partner in contact with feces. BUT, concerning feces, there is one thing that I find very important: If you are experimenting with anal play such as rimming – no matter how well you prepare – you might get in contact with feces. It happens. If that is something you think you can’t get over – maybe anal play is not for you. When it does happen, don’t make your partner feel uncomfortable about it. Simply take care of your hygiene and move on!
‘Speedos Cleptomaniac’ – available on XConfessions
It is also very important to talk about boundaries and concerns. You could consider agreeing on a safe word you can both use if you want to stop or change anything. Talking about sex will always enrich your sex life and the relationship to your partner. Don’t be afraid of conversation and spare yourself from unpleasant sexual experiences based on misconceptions and lack of communication. And of course, not everyone likes anal intercourse. So it’s okay if you don’t.
Focus on getting comfortable. Enjoying anal play is often all about being able to relax. The most comfortable position for the receiver of a rim job is laying on your belly. You can put a pillow under your stomach as you face down. It make accessing for the rimmer easier and it can helps the rimmee orgasm! There are loads of different positions you can try. Switch it up and chose the one that’s most pleasurable for both of you.
As with blowjobs or cunnilingus, you’ve got a few different choices when it comes to rimming techniques. You can both lick and/or penetrate the anus with your tongue. In both cases, don’t rush it, ease into it and take time to explore together what feels good. Before you go all in, tease the whole area around the butt. This lets each of you test how the other person responds and gets you in the right mood. Get properly excited first.
Try making your tongue soft, don’t just poke it in there without warning. Even if there is no penetration of the anus involved, using lubes for rimming can be a great addition to the experience. Flavored lubes can make rimming even more tasty for rimmers, while warming or cooling lubes can add pleasure to the rimmee’s experience.
‘My Abduction Fantasy’ – available on XConfessions
Don’t just focus on the anus and anal rim itself. Multitask if you want (and can)! You can always stimulate the vagina or penis of your partner with your hand while giving a rim job or ask them to pleasure themselves while you do it. The spot between the anus and the vagina or balls is also very sensitive! Stimulating the genitals makes relaxing easier and anal play more likely to be pleasurable.
The technique options are almost endless. You can swirl the tip of your tongue around the opening in circles, you can flick it up and down, you can lick right over the opening, you can focus on one side first and then do the same on the other side…get creative!
Always communicate with your partner if you are feeling uncomfortable or if something hurts.
So, now that you’re informed, how do you feel about rimming and anal play in general? I am genuinely curious! Leave a comment or shoot me a message via Instagram, Facebook or Twitter
The XConfessions App
I know that many people struggle to speak openly about their sexual desires with their partner so I created this app to help those who might feel shy voicing their fantasies. Or maybe you feel totally comfortable speaking about your fantasies, but you’re ready to discover some new kinks that you might not have thought about yet. The XConfessions App can be used for those couples who want to discover some new kinksand spice things up in their sex life.
Sensual Moments Vol. 7from award winning studio EroticaX is a collection of intimate encounters, bringing you four stories of couples going on tantalising erotic adventures.
In the first sequence of Sensual Moments Vol. 7, a married couple finds itself in a precarious situation. As they attend a photography workshop, both find romantic interests in other people. Will they give in to their secret desires and what does that mean for their relationship?
The second scene features Brandi Love as a rich and accomplished woman relaxing at a swanky resort. What the young and sexy server doesn’t know is that her wellness routine includes much more than just a conventional massage.
The next duo is a married couple trying to escape their daily routine. Determined not to give in to habit and boredom they book themselves a room in a bed and breakfast for some sexy alone time. Watch them get lost in the moment as they indulge in their desperately needed rendezvous.
The Sensual Moments Series started in 2013 and never fails to amaze with its intimate and sensual sex scenes, perfectly matched performers and high quality production standards.
Scroll down for deliciously sexy pictures to get you in the mood for Sensual Moments!
Photographs by Laura Dodsworth. Taken from The Guardian article.
This is the weekly Lust News Roundup: breaking porn and Lust-related news all in one place. Here I will include news about sex-tech, sex-politics, feminism, and other developments in the industry.
“Vulvas are rarely seen outside porn and childbirth”, Laura Dodsworth tells the story of 100 women and gender non-conforming people in this powerful series: Me and my Vulva: 100 women reveal all [The Guardian]
When a lot of heterosexual porn on the mainstream tube sites is focused only on male pleasure, it’s no wonder that Women Prefer Porn With No Women [Vice]
Podcast of the Week:
This week on The Sex Ed podcast Liz speaks to Erica Chidi Cohen. Erica and Liz discuss doula care for patients through birth and abortion, how pregnancy affects sex drive and why there’s no such thing as the “best way” to give birth. [The Sex Ed]
If you enjoy this, you’ll be happy to know that this Spring I will be releasing my first pregnancy sex-doc and I’ve commissioned a series of guest writers for the blog to write about a range of topics relating to pregnancy. From BDSM during pregnancy and the role of the erotic, to postpartum depression and body image… Stay tuned!
I think I’m madly in love with my best friend, but of course, she doesn’t know. I’m not sure if she even likes women… She is the coolest person I’ve ever met, so sexy, so modern, so confident. Everything I lack, she has.
Sometimes I’m not really sure if I’m madly in love with her, or if I just want to be her.
Yesterday I had a strange dream about her. I was watching her having sex with a singer in this weird and sensual club. I was hiding between doors and curtains and people, balancing my desire to watch with the guilt and shame and fear of getting caught watching them. I felt dizzy, and when I came back from my dizziness I had become her, and she was the one watching me.
I am bringing you an Erika Lust Original for Valentine’s day!
Do I love you or do I want to be you? – That’s the question Nina (Romy Furie) is asking herself every time she’s with her friend Cara (Cara Vega).
The two women are as different as chalk and cheese.While Nina is rather reserved, Cara is the kind of person that naturally draws attention to herself wherever she goes.
Despite their many differences, Nina finds herself fantasizing about her friend. What she’d always thought was something in between admiration and envy turns out to be a love-driven obsession she can hardly contain.
One night, Cara takes Nina to a burlesque-style bar. When Nina watches her friend flirt and play with her charms, she can’t control her tormented mind any longer. For one surreal evening, dreams and reality collide into a beautiful mess made of love, sex and desire.
This movie goes out to all those who are in love with their best friend and know how painful it can be to be so close, yet so far away all the time. Sometimes you think you just can’t hold in in any longer, but you stay quiet and hold it back because you know that saying it out loud will change everything between you forever.
Well, now imagine you could have one night without worrying about tomorrow, one night of blurring the lines between love and friendship, reality and imagination without any further consequences. Would you go for it?
I loved shooting this movie. I loved the script, I loved the ultra cool location we found, and the performers, crew and many extras managed to created a very sexy, mysterious atmosphere on set. We even got to work with a jazz band for the lap-dance scene with Miguel, Cara and Romy. It felt a bit like a big, dirty jam session!
One of the most challenging, but also super fun things, about shooting this movie was having SO many people on set. In most cases sex scenes happen in a more or less private setting, like in a bedroom or kitchen, and even if it’s an outside scene it’s usually in a hidden spot, like a quiet beach or a forest. Just places with not a lot of people around.
In Madly in Love with My Best Friend we shot one scene in a crowded bar withmore than 20 people! I think it was challenging both for the crew and the performers. The more people are on set, the harder it is to make everything look perfect and for the performers to relax and get in the mood for the sex scenes. But everyone did great and we ended up having a fantastic day on set!
In XConfessions, people from all over the world share their sexual stories and fantasies. Every month I pick two and turn them into cinematic short films. Still not a member of XConfessions? Register now! Or share your sexual fantasy, and it might become a short film
This is the weekly Lust News Roundup: breaking porn and Lust-related news all in one place. Here I will include news about sex-tech, sex-politics, feminism, and other developments in the industry.
This week The Ersties Podcast is in bed with Dan Savage talking everything from sex & relationships, to consent & porn. Get listening! [The Ersties Podcast]
I have something extra special for all the lovebirds out there! I present my new collection and I have to say it is one of my favourites so far.
In The Mood For Love includes seven films from the award-winning XConfessions series and it is all about romance, true love and pleasure. If you like passionate and ultra-romantic encounters I’ve got you (and your loved one) covered with movies such as Pouring Pleasure with tons of erotic energy between Lina Bembe and Ramon Nomar. In Sex & Sensibility a romance novel turns into reality for one lucky woman and Car Sex Generation will give you inspiration for steamy encounters in small spaces.
Poppy Cox and her lover indulge in super sexy dirty talk in A Talk Too Dirty and the black and white movie Gender Bender displays Kali Sudhra and Dante Dionys in an intimate narrative about love and gender identity.
Amarna Miller stars in Romance Bullshit, a tender erotic satire paying homage to old-fashioned romance novelettes and last but not least there is Memory Files Of You, a deeply moving ode to loves lost.
So what do you think, are you in the mood for love?
Watch the trailer below:
My newest compilation is all about dreamy sequences, irresistible romance and undeniable passion. Choosing the movies for this compilation was really hard, because there are so many amazingly romantic XConfessions, but in the end I went with the shorts in which the performers had an exceptional connection with each other. There is something about romance and compassion that is hard to fake. Sometimes it’s just there and sometimes it is not. I feel very good about this compilation and I am sure that you will love it, too!
A Talk to DirtyRomance BullshitCar Sex GenerationPouring PleasureGender BenderMemory Files of YouSex & Sensibility
In XConfessions, people from all over the world share their sexual stories and fantasies. Every month I pick two and turn them into cinematic short films. Still not a member of XConfessions? Register now! Or share your sexual fantasy, and it might become a short film
This week’s guide: For One Night Only I Want to Have Sex with Someone Else
Giving each other a free pass to have sex with somebody else in a usually monogamous relationship – if given the chance, would you take one no-strings-attached night with someone?
There are many different facets to pushing the boundaries of monogamy, and giving each other a free pass for a night does not mean that you want to quit the monogamous lifestyle all together. While monogamy offers many positive aspects, like more emotional security that often comes with sexual exclusivity, approval from society, a lowered risk of STIs, it is undeniable that it also has downsides that many couples struggle with. For example sexual boredom, issues with incompatible sex-drives, the feeling of not being able to express and communicate your desires to your partner without hurting them and so on. So for some people testing the waters of a more monogamish life-style, as expert Dan Savage defined the term, is a possible solution to the slumps of monogamy.
Opening up to a monogamish lifestyle, that might lead to a form of consensual non monogamy, can be as exciting as it can be scary. It requires a lot of open conversation, trust and ability to reflect and process your own feelings. And just like in any other relationship, cheating happens and people can get hurt. I think a lot of people think that cheating in consensual non monogamous relationships or while giving each other a free pass can’t happen, but cheating in non-monogamous relationships is a very real thing and it hurts just as much as cheating in a monogamous relationship. Depending on how you define your monogamish relationship, rules can be broken. But I don’t think fear should hold us back from anything that we truly love. And while a “hall pass” or a monogamish relationship can be risky, committing to monogamy is also a risk that we often don’t think about. Love in general is risky business. Anyone who’s ever been in love can agree with that.
For this week’s guide, I will elaborate from the original App card about giving each other a hall pass, to a more general discussion about opening up to monogamish relationships. Before we get started, I’d like to point out that there is no absolute guide to monogamish living or to consensual non-monogamy. Every couple defines their arrangement differently. This is a topic highly attached to personal feelings, fears and attitudes, and unfortunately there is no one-fits-all recipe to a successful go at redefining the boundaries and rules of your relationship. Being “monogamish” is different for everyone and there is no one right way to do it, but I think there are certain elements that you can educate yourself about to avoid making unnecessary mistakes.
What does sleeping with somebody else for one night – or from time to time – mean for the nature of my relationship?
Taken from openrelationshipcourse.com
Does sex with somebody else mean that I’m leaving monogamy for good? Not if you don’t want it to. There are many different kinds of monogamish or consensual non-monogamous relationships and each one of them has several subcategories. Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for every practice or philosophy of intimate relationship that does not strictly hew to the standards of monogamy. Giving each other a free pass does in no way mean that it is automatically ok to sleep with other people more often from that moment on. It means that you are still in a primarily monogamous relationship, but that you have both given your consent to act on your desire for a third person, without having to feel guilty or ashamed.
Relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage defined the term monogamish, ‘monogamishes’ are people who have already withdrawn from absolute monogamy. It describes couples who are neither entirely monogamous nor polyamorous. “It means to be in a relationship that is mostly monogamous but that allows for some small amount of sexual openness” – explains sex educator Dr. Zhana Vrangalova (Tonic). Monogamish can also be seen as a transitional stage of relationship in its transformation from monogamy into something different. Monogamish occurs when desires of a couple stop fitting in the framework of what we know as monogamy.
Being monogamish does not imply giving up the values of a monogamous relationship, like deep emotional commitment and prioritising your partner. Being monogamish simply means sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner, even if they involve other people, welcoming new people into your life as an individual or as a couple, trying different types of non -monogamy looking for the one that the couple feels good at and laying down your own rules of love. It means not trying to police each other’s feelings and allowing desires for other people and it might mean occasionally sex with other people is permitted.
Make clear rules and set boundaries (and expect them to change and progress over time)
This is SO important. The one and only rule that applies to all relationships models is constant communication and discussion. Before you sleep with somebody else it is essential to sit down together and discuss boundaries and rules. The slightest variation or misunderstanding can feel like betrayal and cause harm to the trust between you and your partner. If you don’t comply to the rules of your arrangement you are crossing into cheating territory and if you love your partner you don’t want to go there.
Be sure to discuss rules such as who the “other person” can be, can it be somebody you already know or should it be a stranger? Do you want to talk about the experience after? What if one of you feels terrible while it happens or after? What if unexpected feelings get in the way? Some couples agree on “only one night stands” or “only when we are out of town”, while others have a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
You should also talk about health concerns that you might have. Most monogamish couples practice an impeccable condom use when sleeping with other people.
Your rules and boundaries can change over time. What might have felt good the first time around, might not feel right or so important the second time. Allow yourself to be flexible and enjoy growing together as a team. You might even write down the boundaries so that it’s easier to remain accountable to them while they’re still in place.
Do it from a place of strength – not a place of weakness
In other words, don’t use sleeping with somebody else to fix your relationship or personal problems. If you do it, do it because it feels good. When you have no doubts about loving each other and you trust each other completely, it can be an incredibly empowering and reassuring experience for both parts that might improve and strengthen your relationship immensely.
Also, make sure you don’t pressure yourself or your partner into something you are not comfortable with. For sleeping with other people to succeed, it’s imperative that you’re both fully on board with the venture when it’s time to actually start seeing other people. If you’re not and forge ahead anyway, things are almost certainly doomed to failure.
While it is relatively normal that one person will be more hesitant than the other, you should try to find common ground. If discussing your options reveals that you can’t seem to find a common denominator, consider pausing the discussion for as long as necessary to give each other more time and space to think this through.
Be aware of the social stigma around non-monogamy that still exists
Once you start talking to people outside of your relationship about exploring non-monogamy, you might be surprised by the stigma still attached to non-monogamous couples. You might be on the receiving end of bad comments and disapproval from judgemental friends and family who feel like sleeping with somebody else means you’re not committed to each other enough anymore, or not loving each other enough. Don’t let it get to you.
I’d like to work towards a world in which we can define ourselves and define what love and commitment mean to us, instead of being bound to societal norms telling us how to love each other. If monogamy is not your cup of tea – that’s fine. Nobody should be able to judge your relationships except yourself. If you and your partner(s) are happy, then that’s the only thing that counts.
No matter how well you prepare – consider the possibility that it won’t go the way you thought it would
Especially if you are doing this for the first time. There is no such thing as normal and abnormal. Jealousy and envy are human feelings that we can’t always control, it can still hurt and that’s ok! Don’t be angry at yourself or your partner and be sure to talk it out. Just like monogamous relationships have negative sides, this is just one of the downsides that can come with sleeping with other people – even if it is just for one night. Never stop communicating and don’t be ashamed of your feelings.
Get professional help! Sex therapists and non-monogamy coaches can be a great option to explore
There may be nothing wrong with craving multiple sexual and romantic partners, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges to embracing those desires, and, even more so, acting on them. Internal guilt and shame, judgmental friends and families, sexually transmitted infections, crossing and poor setting of boundaries, unsatisfying sex, catching unwanted or unexpected feelings, difficulty finding partners to hook up or date, jealousies and insecurities… the list goes on. Breaking the norms of a relationship can be hard, emotional work. Coaches and Sex Therapist can help you explore your options in a way that is healthy for you (both emotionally and physically), as well as ethical toward your sexual and romantic partners.
It can also just be a lot of fun and a great way to learn more about yourself and your partner’s desires. I mean you are paying a professional to listen and help you have better sex and a stronger, healthier relationship. Doesn’t sound too bad, don’t you think?
Below is a conversation between two of my favorite experts on relationships! Esther Perel and Dan Savage discuss Love, Marriage and Monogamy. If you want to hear more about this topic, this video is an absolute must watch!
What do you think about being monogamish and consensual non-monogamy? Leave a comment or tell me via Instagram, Facebook or Twitter
The XConfessions App
I know that many people struggle to speak openly about their sexual desires with their partner so I created this app to help those who might feel shy voicing their fantasies. Or maybe you feel totally comfortable speaking about your fantasies, but you’re ready to discover some new kinks that you might not have thought about yet. The XConfessions App can be used for those couples who want to discover some new kinksand spice things up in their sex life.
Exclusively for LustCinema, director Kay Brandt and superstar Cherie DeVille met up in a hotel in Las Vegas to record an insightful conversation about the creation and production of Unfolding! The two industry starlets spoke to us about the narrative of the movie, their experiences on set, favourite sex scenes and much more. It is not often that we get to see two celebrities like Kay and Cherie talking about their jobs in an intimate setting like this. CHECK OUT THE VIDEO ABOVE!
Magic happens when director Kay Brandt and writer Selina Kitt team up to produce erotic movies. ‘Unfolding’ is an incredible and beautifully made movie with a strong narrative, relatable characters and unbelievably hot sex scenes. Once again Kay Brandt has proven that we need women to take the lead in porn. Thank you Kay and Cherie for this amazing behind the scenes footage and for letting us in on some of your thoughts about shooting what is already one of the most successful explicit feature films of the year.
‘Unfolding’ was released on the 11th of February 2019 and has climbed up to be the #1 movie for both Adam&Eve Pictures and for Hotmovies in general in only 10 short days. The sensational movie is the latest collaboration between director Kay Brandt and bestselling author of erotic novels Selena Kitt. Unfolding is a romance story of sexual awakenings. A happily married couple, impersonated by the breathtaking and incredibly talented Cherie DeVille and her fantastic scene partner Seth Gamble, go on a sexual journey with each other and discover their long forgotten, sexually adventurous selves in a swingers resort.
From sensual and loving anal play, threesomes, voyeuristic scenes to an incredibly hot orgy; there is no couple’s fantasy left behind in the sex scenes of this movie.
Unfolding is now available on LustCinema! Check out the explicit trailer on my website.
About the director – Kay Brandt
Kay Brandt is an incredible force in the erotic world. She has directed over 50 adult movies since 2009, many of them award-winning, and has written eight erotic novels. She’s been involved in the industry for over 20 years and she has worked for Girlfriends Films, Metro, and Digital Playground and other important studios. Her work has been nominated for numerous AVN, XBIZ, and other awards. Kay is known for her unique style, strong narratives in her movies and her eye for shooting erotic and sultry sex scenes.
Every week I release one brand new film on LustCinema! LustCinema is a members-only erotic films platform, designed as a home for those seeking an alternative to mainstream porn. Next to my own productions you will find a community of other talented filmmakers with a similar goal, all bringing their own personal, fresh perspective to the website and of course they are all Lust-approved, ethical production companies.
Only jerks litter!
